Love & Romance in Western Countries

このエントリーも英語で書きます。(This article will be written in English)

日本語しか分からない人はごめんなさい。(Sorry for those who can only read Japanese)

During my studying abroad I've been encountering/observing situations where human relationships work very differently than from Japan. In this article, I would like to summarize what I've been sharing (or complaining) with my Japanese friends studying abroad in France/Germany/UK on love/romance issues, since this probably is interesting to you.

First of all, the roles between men and women are very different. Here, it is clear that women are treated with care by men. According to our observations, acts like offering to get another glass of beer/wine is a men's sign of showing care to the women, contrast of the situation that this act is more for women trying to show that you are very considerate, thoughtful, and are homely to men.

Regarding this point, I have realized that it is common for the guys to ask the girls out, but not the other way around. Some of my friends have had experiences being said things like "Maybe we could go together to (somewhere)", but they never ask you out with an appointment. Guys are supposed to make every final step in deciding. In Japan, both ways are equally okay, the gender roles are more free.

Also, some of my friends in France were telling me that they needed to pay every single meal they had with a girl, and were running out of money. I'm not sure about this, since I haven't come across a situation like this, but it probably is in France. In Germany, I hear that people break the bill up equally, but I'm not so sure about this. BTW, in Japan, it depends on the situation, but women almost never pay more.

Second of all, the state of "being in a relationship" is very vague here, compared to Japan. In Japan, you need to say "I love you" to the person you are interested in, to ask for permission to become his/her boy/girl-friend. This can happen from either sides, men can ask women, or vice versa. When you are confirmed, you are officially his/her partner for the time. When you want to break up, you need to tell him/her that "You want to break up", and often, you need a good reason for it. On the contrary, it seems as westerners just happen to be in a relationship when the two people are always together, and happen to break up when they become apart.

Some westerners may be surprised that we use the word "love" instead of "like". Well, it's the same word in Japanese, but I chose this wording since we do put the feeling of "love" in it when we say it. To the Japanese, if you tell a girl you love her several weeks after you meet her, she would smile at you and wouldn't believe you. (surprise, ehn?)

I personally think that the Japanese system is more sincere and serious about the situation. After you confirm the relationship, you are responsible not to cheat on your partner (=flirt). On the other hand, the Western system is more liquid. In the Japanese system, there is always a period when you are starting to want to break up, but just can't directly tell your partner that you want to break up. This "wasted time" probably doesn't exist here in Europe.

In the Japanese system, getting into a relationship is simple. You ask someone out several times, and then tell them that you want to become their partner. Very straight forward, I guess. But how does this function in western countries?

Well, this is what Japanese boys are complaining about. You just have to always be next to the the girl. According to a friend (male), your first few dates with a girl may include hugging/kissing the girl, and seeing how she reacts. According to him, "You never know what's okay and not for her, unless you try it. It's just a matter of challenge".

In this case, you risk being strongly disliked by the women, which the Japanese would never want to do. Unwilling heavy body contact will easily offend a Japanese person. The western way sounds more like a girl trying to avoid sexual harassment, to the Japanese. So, the general procedure in Japan is,

1. You ask her out several times
2. You ask to become her boyfriend and get confirmed
3. You hug her, kiss her, whatever.

Note that step 2. acts to ask for permission for step 3 (and perhaps further steps). By this, you avoid the possibility of getting into a large problem. Of course, the fact that you've came through step 2 does not ensure you that you can go to step 3 (The girl may think that it's too early for you to go to that stage and make you wait up to several weeks), but sooner or later you will be allowed to go to the step 3 (so saying no is a good no).

Another point is that the girl might feel annoyed when a person is always following her. If it was me, it would be pretty annoying to have someone you are not interested in, always around you, talking to you to get your attention. So, this sort of means that you are risking yourself to be severely disliked by the person you like. Japanese would never want to do this; we value the state of having no conflicts over anything.

So then, this is why it is almost impossible for Japanese men to get into a relationship with American/European women. The girls are waiting for the guys to jump in aggressively, but they just simply can't. Girls expect to be treated with more care, but the guys don't know that.

On the contrary, it is very easy for a Japanese girl to get into a relationship with an American/European guy. The guys express their feelings straightly and clearly towards the girl, approaches aggressively towards the girl, and shows care to the girl; all of them are at the highest level that the girl has ever experienced.

No wonder I hear some stories about Japanese girls going to studying abroad and getting into a relationship with someone there, but never the other way around.

Well, this is what my friends and I have observed. Maybe some of them are wrong; it could be the case that that things I have examined here are the extreme cases. But it's always fun knowing that systems other than the ones you are familiar with can function in a pretty good way.